Heartache

Heartache, heartache, heartache... The real heartache though, not something from adolesence where we may have thought we knew what that intangible meant, love.  We got glimpses though, and for myself, it wasn't from the usual parenting deal since my family life didn't consist of two parents around.  So we go with what we know, our family.  I had my sisters and brothers around going through their trial and errors in relationships when we started to reach that age.  I had my run ins with significant others, but nothing memorable in the epic sense.  We just walked around blindly seemed like now.

I started to see things at a late age (around 24 or so?) that I wasn't too bad in the 'looks' department.  There were those showing me that there was actual interest in wanting to be near me, or spend some time.  I had a girl back home while at SIPI, and met another female.  She was nice, we were friends, but after awhile things went a way neither of us quite expected.  We kissed, but nothing more than that.  The sipian was honest about things with her though, she was with someone, and pointed out to me that I was also involved with another.  I talked to the home girl and admitted my actions to her.  Needless to say, she pointed out things to me that made things a little sketchy in that she had her own booty calls out there, and around the same time one of them wanted a 'visit'.  According to her, nothing happened, but that I will never know.  She was mad at me, and she had every right to be, so we called it a run for ourselves.  I informed the sipian of those developments, but she wanted nothing to do with me after finding that out?  I lost out all around, but understood what happened.  I had a good thing going back home, but felt something was in front of me was just too hard to turn down.  It wasn't the case to be though, and that's how things go sometimes.  My first taste of things not ending up good even if at the time it appears to be a win-win situation.

Time marches on, always.  The home girl and I eventually went through more break ups to make ups, and even threw around the idea of marriage.  As things have always seemed to work out for us, it didn't pan out as planned.  So we went through the retribution try, or as I see it now, the last resort.  Again, started to look ahead to us as a fam.  I know my instincts were trying to keep me from repeating mistakes, but when you think things are going alright, you don't listen to anyone, including your own self.  I did want to give her a chance.  I wanted her to be that person I saw so many years ago.  I wanted to be that guy that she fell in love with back then.  So we do the talking part off and on, but out of the blue I try to call and things start looking nice and complicated.  "Is it cool if I stop by?"  "no" and that conversation raised flags, but I thought I was just being paranoid.  I was trusting, what can I say?  The next couple of days, "Can I talk to (insert name here)."  "She says she's busy."  After that, worry started to creep in.  I call again to invite her to something, and another guy comes on the line, "I'm (insert name here)'s boyfriend, she was supposed to call you the other day."  and that's where I left it ever since.  I couldn't even find out from her directly, it had to be the next guy in line asserting his 'new' position.  He didn't take cuts in front of me, I was just displaced without being forewarned.  Oh wells... I can't do anything about it.  I thought more of her than to let that one unravel like it did.  The things I saw in her faded away when the hurt started to sink in all over again.  I do not wish any bad to that person.  I know how I hurt, and don't want anyone to feel that way, not even the one who inflicted such emptiness.  More power to them, one of us might as well have what looks like happiness since I know I'm not.

I can go back and forth on everything for a long time, but that isn't what I'm doing.  I'm looking at the situation as it was to learn from it.  I put too much trust in someone who didn't give me a reason to trust them.  I believed in someone who only took, without making an effort to return the favor.  I reflected what was shown to me.  I wasn't the one dialed in when she picked up the phone.  I wasn't the stop to make when she went out somewhere.  My name wasn't thrown around in plans being made, until it came down to asking for this or that.  I know I could have made an effort to involve myself more, but what for when I'm talking about loving her, and she's staring back at me like she can't bring herself to say the same back to me.  Hindsight is always 20-20, but at the time I wasn't checking for that like I should have been.  I'm sure she's going to have her reasons for throwing away the once cherished department of 'us', but instead of giving them to me, she slid through the town on to the next guy.  I can't fault her though, because this isn't anything new.  I've heard the speech, "it's never been hard for me to find anyone else" time and again I was wondering why I kept hearing it?  She kept asserting the fact that the phone was a big part of her and how she operates, but when it came to me, phone calls weren't made to see what goes on with me.  If she expected me to make the calls, I'll never know.

All I know, and it is from experience, that over the years, looks start to fade.  If that's what you want to hang on to in life, than you are not hanging on to much.  It's something very temporary.  She seemed to want to assert her looks.  She wanted to be prized, desired, and see jealousy.  I'm sorry, but I'm not cut from that cloth where I do what is expected of me.  I run with a different crowd of natives.  I've learned that to be prized, you gotta prize someone yourself, and she didn't prize me.  To be desired, you have to desire someone yourself, and I wasn't desired in our case.  To see jealousy, you have to put yourself in a position where someone is going to get hurt.  Why hurt someone at all if the simple fact is that you might have a good person already?  Why does there have to tests, games, or whatever, to go through before people realize what they have is either genuine, or not?  If you truly know the person you want to get involved with, than you're going to know when they're avoiding your questions, when they're not answering you in the words you expected.  Not at first, because that's the honeymoon period, but after the breakfasts, the dinners, the movies, the road trips, the nights together, the nights apart, the arguments, the sharing of dreams, the revelations of fears, the noticables that go unnoticed, and in the periodical times of sorrow if they're there or not.  Seeing these things in person starts to paint a picture of who the person is, how they act, and their unconscious mannerisms, actions, or routines.  In essence, they talk to you without talking, even while they're talking to you, or not talking to you.

When the person you're with starts avoiding you altogether, then it's a problem.  That's when you decide to be apart of the mess, or excuse yourself.  Sometimes you might not even have that choice, as I've recently found out from being on both ends of inflicting, and receiving.  I'm grateful though, because I did learn things about the matters of the heart in the manner I know all too well, the hard way.  I'm grateful to understand that there are people out there who want to see your life and theirs become intertwined in harmony.  For a time it might work out, or in some cases work out for good.  So, I'm waiting now to find that person who's not giving glimpses into that, but approach with true offers of seeing that vision through.  I've been to the polar opposites on the emtional spectrum with one person, only to see it wasn't meant for us to go through it all and still walk together.  I don't want to hide the fact that I'm a person with a past that is what it is, but show the person who's gone through enough to learn, grow, and push on.

Heartache sucks, hurts, and may get you to questioning revealing yourself in the same light ever again.  That's also temporary though, because with time, you learn from your mistakes, and figure out how to keep from making them again.  I think that's what I'm looking forward to now, trying to figure out how to keep from replaying what only ended up in me questioning where we went wrong.



Posted on 26 Jan 2008 by Windreamer