Losing Someone Close - Round 2

Posted Up: October 14th 2005

Li'l Matt was a kid, naw, just a baby that just reached the doorstep of life, and what is out there to experience. His mother had some rough times, and to remedy that, went and did the treatment deal for awhile. His father passed on last year, and he has a brother and sister that now have to wonder what might have been with their li'l brother. He was also my nephew. His options weren't even realized or witnessed. His time was short compared to what we think life should resemble in terms of calendars and celebrations. Now though, he's gone from us in this physical place.

This hit a lot of people hard. It's like he was surrounded by love and for us to see it ourselves, something terrible had to happen. Maybe it's not for us to decide if it is in fact terrible, but c'mon now, he's gone. How positive is that, that his life was so short, while we stick around trying to cope with another loss notched up for us. That sounds very selfish, and it is. It's selfish, but we're entitled to be such.

Now, I've been to many funerals in my time, and I've seen loved ones ranging from close friends, to family members walking on. The hardest to take in though, is a little casket. It takes every ounce of control to maintain some sense of consciousness and 'sanity' while knowing that young one precedes you in the afterlife. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know how to do much other than just be around. I didn't make his funeral though. I couldn't see the gathering for it's purpose, to let him walk into what waits in the afterlife. I wasn't able to bear the tears that are still being wept for him. I wasn't able to show my own. I couldn't do it, not again.

It's like standing up after getting knocked around, only to find another left hook coming through to slam you to the bottom. You think you got a grasp on things, then before you know what's going on, you realize your grasp wasn't what you thought it was. It's the most humbling experience anyone will experience in their life - accepting the passing of someone loved. Sharing so much time and experiences with someone, and then find out that no more is that an option for you.

Elroy was a free spirit always quick to smile and share a laugh. His sentiments were genuine when he shared them with you. His presence was felt whether you knew him or not. His family was (and still is) very close, and preceding him was his sister he loved a lot. He was my cousin. Now, he's gone.

He was a guy that I ALWAYS seemed to bump into by accident, mostly at a wow. Even though it was unintentional in running into the guy, it was almost better that way, because of the surprise in seeing him. It was like a jolt of ease and calm came to me just by sharing a smile, greeting, some convo, and then the usual, "later," that natives around here seem to share when parting ways.

These are two examples of how funerals came to be for me, and I know every native has their own ways to relate to these experiences. It's because of that realization, that I admire and respect my uncles, aunts, and older cousins now because I'm at a point where I'm looking around wondering, "who's next," in terms of leaving, but they're at their point in their lives where they look around and see, "who's left."

The reason for writing this isn't known to me at this point, other than it's a good release for me. Maybe after some time, I can look at this thing and find out what happened with me.

"How do you say good-bye when you aren't ready to let go," was something that stuck with me since the formidable teenage years after a funeral back then. To this day I still don't know what an answer to that would resemble.

Posted on 04 Jun 2006 by Windreamer