Losing Someone Close

Posted Up: December 4th 2000

Damn, I look at this article and remember how hard it was to write. I had to take some time away from it because the eyes were starting to get a little wet. This is by far the most heartfelt piece I have written, and I think it speaks for itself. Just an update, I haven't gotten the tattoo, but still may sometime down the road? I miss everyone that's passed from then and those who have since passed from when I wrote this. I think it is too bad that this article is still so relevant to how things are for me in 2003.

Okay, I'm going to touch on something that is a reoccurring subject with me, loss of loved ones. It's all messed up, but doesn't stop it from happening. Since '96 'til now, a lot of peers have passed on. Just recently, this guy I knew and thought of as a friend passed on. He was an athlete and seemed to be fairly easygoing and laid back. It was interesting, for me, to see where our conversations would go. We last talked about some troubles he encountered while trying to reach a li'l wow (powwow) in a remote location. The car started to act up and would only go about 20 feet then die out after a certain point? It was like that for a pretty good numbers of miles he said. A crazy situation, but nothing too serious I thought. We laughed it off and we went our ways. The previous year at the same spot and location, he was showing off that had the words, "Native Pride," tattooed on his back, and had plans to add on to it. Out of respect for him, I might get what he envisioned put on my arm.

I could go on and on about stories of those now gone. I could, and think I will. I still see all their faces if I think about them long enough. I still remember their voices and expressions. I still hold all of them in close proximity of my heart. They made impacts on my life, big and small. Their thoughts and ways of carrying themselves made them unique not only to me, but everyone that had the pleasure of knowing them. Some of those gone were my friends and fam, and others were people I grew up with, but didn't really know too well. All the same, a loss is a loss no matter how loose the ties are. I knew of them, I knew who they were, and more important, had my small share of contact with them. That's enough to mourn a loss the way I see it.

Now, coping with these losses are handled very differently with each person. Usually tears are shed out of whatever emotions that are felt at that time. Some people drink their sorrows away, briefly, but are left to start at square one when sobriety hits them up again. Then, there's the drug use of other kinds that take reality far far away. Again, you sober up after that, and have to deal with life and all its ugliness. I don't understand that way of coping, and I know I don't have to. Me, I went and wrote some poetry and lyrics once I secluded myself from others. Just me, some paper, something to write with, and music was all I needed to let loose of certain emotions. Now, I got the use of a laptop and internet access to share what I feel with others. Helpful? Maybe not, but for me it's a way of release without taking in any outside substances to alter my way of thinking. My thoughts are very private and personal, and to jeopardize that isn't something I'd choose to do in the worst case scenario, which has showed itself more than once.

Recently, with the news of another loss, I wrote some lyrics that included my thoughts at the time, and a lot of cussing. Surprising for me, because what I wrote was vastly different from previous works I've done. I took them down after only having them up for one full day. I would be glad to share them with everyone, but those are my thoughts, my feelings, and my emotions there. I DO NOT trust the internet to keep them safely in tact with all these biters and haters around. When it's time for me to show everyone else what I was thinking them, I will. For those who saw what I wrote, please understand the state of mind I was in at the time.

With all I've written so far, can you say that there is really some closure for losing someone you love. I mean it's like a tremendous loss to deal with for anyone after losing your close cousin, friend, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, mom, dad, son, daughter, nephew, niece, grandma, or grandpa. That loss isn't going to be totally healed until you rejoin them. No, that doesn't mean take your own life, I only mean to say that life will be hard as you continue on with yours as others lose theirs. Maybe someday someone might be able to cope with losing someone close, but I don't think that's happened with me because I still miss everyone that's ever died in my life. I still remember certain things about them, and rather than let go of all that, I hold it all tenderly and cherish it all. Some professionals might say that doing this isn't emotionally fit for me? So what! Losing these people weren't emotionally good for me either, but it happened. So, to remember them as they were will be something I still consider good for me.

Hell, I'm still going to shed tears for those who've been gone for years. It's not a bad thing to do, you know? I love them all still, and me crying still shows what I feel about them. If you say that doing something like that is wrong, then by all means consider me a person who is doing wrong on the regular.

Others still feel the hurt of losing another part of them, and I see it. Maybe that's what brings us closer? We understand that with this person gone, things will never, ever, be the same again. From here on out, what life is like won't be as it was before they left us. Questions still arise, like how would some event be if so and so were alive? Maybe something bad wouldn't have happened if they were here? If they were here ... if they were here, I wouldn't be writing this.

Posted on 04 Jun 2006 by Windreamer