Predetermined Class

Posted Up: June 20th 2003, Dee Writer

This is my brief, even though it looks pretty long, rundown of how 2003 was to me. No real reason to write it other than I thought I would like to recall some events for those willing to read.

Growing up, I knew the world to be a bad and sometimes scary place.

The word unfair often popped in my mind wherever I went.

When school started, as a kid, it was unfair that I didn’t have nice clothes. My clothes were bought at Wal-Mart, from the clearance rack. As a young child I didn’t really pay that much attention. I let it slide.

It was the reservation. Lots of other kids were worse off, but all popular kids wore nice clothes. Even the bus driver’s kids had nice things. I remember being jealous of her two kids because they always had in new clothes and cool toys. Their backpacks were obviously chosen by them and had never been used by another child.

My mom liked the church rummage sales. I once joked about this with a man I used to date. His mom also liked those church “sales”. Clothes donated from the churches back East and sent to the Southwest to “help.” The clothes were typically in good condition, but were not often in style. But you don’t complain when you get a shirt for a buck and it isn’t worn out. Not much you can do in those times.

We thought it was humorous how we both grew up rummaging through those sad, dusty little bins. But, we both felt happy that our younger siblings, since we left for college, did not have to endure that torture. Things were hard enough without the whole community knowing your parents couldn’t afford to buy you clothes from JC Penny.

The interesting thing was this—the popular kids—the kids we had envied in our youth, we no longer envied. We both were beating statistics for our nationality. I was getting ready to Graduate College and he was working on a Master’s Degree.

The popular kids had either failed marriages and kids with different fathers - something neither of us was ready for or wanted to explore.

We both agreed it was better that we had to suffer the ugly clothes, because even if unrelated to our current status - it was worth the wait.

This unfair idea stayed with me. No matter where I go. I can see it. I sometimes feel as though it causes more trouble than it is worth. But I feel entitled to fairness - but virtue of my animation.

Throughout all my trials in college, I still kept thinking about how unfair this world is. Of course it was nothing more than anger and confusion swelling in me. But how do you compare to someone your age that drives a BMW to school when you ride the bus and have to work at the campus eatery to eat frequent meals?

How do you make it less obvious that you really don’t ever feel like you REALLY belong?

At first, I tried to let them kick me out. I missed a few classes, failed a few quizzes. Then I realized I really did not want to be back on the rez. I mean what was there for me - a big fat nothing. Not jobs and no opportunity for any success.

I finished my classes.

My new strategy was to make friends with the teachers. After all - if I couldn’t fit in with the class and needed to learn-who better to help me than the people who chant, “my door is always open”.

So, I took them up on that offer; I got my degree.

A whole new can of worms was presented to me. And you know what? I still think the world is unfair, but I can accept that because it looks a whole lot different at 23 with a degree, a job, a car, and a nice place to live with wonderful people in my life.

Then again, it isn’t fair that some of the smartest people in my neck of the woods are in my email address book, but that’s just the way it is.


Posted on 04 Jun 2006 by Dee Writer